ZEN VII PERMANENT
TRIPOD HOLES
Found the right place? Immortalize it with our ZEN VII PERMANENT TRIPOD HOLES. Come back year after year and take the same great picture.
Permanent Tripod Holes (set of 3) $7.00
Holes for ZEN VII 15 Toed Tripod.$39.00
ZEN VII 15 TOED TRIPOD
Tripod not suffering as much as you? Iron spikes not challenged by the roughest terrain? Get our vulnerable tripod. Fragile toes crack in cold weather. Tripod holes look as if made by a small three-legged child.
ZEN VII Tripod .. $89.00
3 COOLING TOWER NUCLEAR POWERED PLANET STOPPER
Tired of missing those fleeting moments when the light is JUST RIGHT? You can't stop the Sun, But you CAN stop the Earth with our gyroscopic planet stabilizer. Just crank up the old gyroscope, and the Sun freezes just where you want it over the Great Wall, or your child's playpen.
GYROSCOPIC PLANET STOPPER .. Price on request
ZEN VII 1980'S ERA POLITICALLY SOUND VIEWING LENS
Within every fine photograph there is a political message. Turn ordinary pictures into statements of your political opinion through the minifying lens. Enjoy the eyestrain, ecological consciousness and the conservation of resources.
Politically Sound Minifying Lens $1.00
POLITICALLY INVALID VIEWING LENS
Indulge your ravening materialistic bloodlust without blowing the rest of us up. View pictures through our magnifying lens, and pretend untold treasures have been squandered for your delectation. As a bonus, you can actually SEE the picture.
ZEN VII Magnifying Lens ..$349.00
ZEN VII FUN CAMERA
Finest Japanese automatic camera. Just press the button, and the camera will load film, meter light, focus, frame, shoot, develop, print, critique, and go into a profound depression. On autopilot, it will drive into the country and find landscapes and local characters. Critique has Japanese accent. WARNINGS: Japanese cameras are sensitive and get VERY DEPRESSED. Keep yours away from heights and sharp objects.
Fun Camera ..$17.00
ZEN VII ENLIGHTENMENT METER
Now calibrated for historical and social bias. Assess your enlightenment accurately with our seismic bowel writhing meter. Contemplate a standard outrage and meter automatically compensates for historical consciousness drift and time since last meal. Filters out effects of personal danger and viewing tacky photographs.
Seismic Enlightenment Meter ...$375.00
Acoustical Version $169.00
GALLOPING HORSES
Put real action in your finest photos with a couple of galloping New England horses. Imagine these fine Morgans thundering out of the Taj Mahal or Dome of the Rock Mosque.
Stallion chasing Mare ..$35.00
Mare chasing Stallion ..$33.00
PHOTOGRAPGHER'S TWO
HEADED COW
Stymie the opposition. Gain valuable time while competing photographers slowly circle this magnificent beast or set up their tripods and wait for it to separate into two animals.
Two headed Cow .$1,395.00
ZEN VII FORBIDDEN SHIRT
Something to offend everybody. Wet, torn, tight, dry, chronically unbuttoned shirt for your models. WARNING: Washing may make the shirt wetter, even tighter and removes buttons, but some of the dirt may be lost as well.
Shirt ( Small fits all) .$25.00
MODEL OFFENDER
Expressions of your models too dull? Relaxed? Even smiling? Bring out the buried wrath in them with our book of offensive things to say to models. A couple of these quotes and the most tranquil subject will bristle with intensity.
Book of Offenses .$4.00
In Hardback $44.00
ZEN VII GALLERY PAD
Viewers of your pictures to comfortable? Lingering too long, making droll remarks? Our 6" thick concrete gallery pads will have them shuffling nervously and moving on in embarrassed silence.
4'x40' Gallery Pad .$700.00
With Grease Stain $735.00
Politically sound model (4'x4') ...$40.00
ZEN VII FOSSIL
Combine the intensity of portraiture with the fresh air of landscape with our Zen VII fossils. Ancient trilobite provokes contemplation of the vastitude of time and non-archivaltude of people.
Trilobite $275.00
Scarab ..$175.00
Coprolith .. $95.00
MASSACHUCHETTS CAN MASHER
Save space in your 18 wheelers camera pack. All those cans from Massachuchetts you pick up will take up less room with our handy can masher. If there is nothing left in the landscape after you have removed all of the massachuchetts cans, take a picture of the can masher itself. Comes in attractive zone V gray.
Can Masher .$475.00
Nuclear Powered $7,986,473.00
ZEN 7 CROWS FEET PENCIL
Success getting to you? Losing your rugged cuteness from wallowing in the lap of luxury? Too many Bon-Bons and sweet liqueurs effacing your hard earned wrinkles? Touch them up with our make up pencil. NON-TOXIC.
Makeup Pencil ..$10.00
Quarry Dust .$15.00
MINK SHOULDER STRAP
Stop irratating chaffing while portaging equipment from 18 wheeler to site. Remember, money can't but happiness, but no matter how rich you are, you can suffer elegantly.
Mink Shoulder Strap .. ..$300.00
Enough for team of porters . $4700.00
NUCLEAR WINTER DEVELOPER COOLER
For those who can't develop pictures because tap water in the area is warmer then 68o F. Change all that with a Nuclear Winter. Insight a Nuclear holocaust with our handy capitalist pig war monger kit.
1 Kit ..$375.00
ZEN VII BUMPER STICKER
Too chicken to hang your stuff in a gallery? Not enough ideas to write a letter to a photography magazine? Tell the world your aesthetic position with our bumper sticker.
Zen VII Bumper Sticker .$0.75
ZEN VII AIR ACCIDENT CHILD'S DOLL
Getting outrun by photographers with lighter cameras on the way to air accidents? Carry this convenient doll in your pocket and when you see an airliner go down, throw this doll on the ground and take a picture of it.
Plain Doll .$15.00
Suitable for playing with yourself $35.00
ZEN VII BLACK AND WHITE FILTER GLASSES
Special filter in these fine lenses reduces all color to shades of gray so you can pre-visualize tone values in your pictures. They DO NOT filter out much light, so maximum discomfort is still assured.
ZEN VII Tinted Glasses $37.00
With Rose Tint ..$45.00
ZEN VII STANDARD FRAMING TREE
Tired of taking pictures in the shade? Just sandwich our negative with any landscape and frame your composition with a stately northern hardwood.
8x10 .$15.00
4x5 .. .$7.00
2 1/2 x 2 1/2 $5.00
35mm ...$165.00
ZEN VII STANDARD MOON
Have the moon in any part of the sky with one of our standard moon negatives. Just sandwich in the enlarger and save yourself fruitless months of waiting for the moon to be in the right phase for your composition. Even put the moon on the ground. (let them call THAT a cliché.)
Standard moon $5.00
Deluxe set. Different phases .$24.00
ZEN VII STANDARD BIRD IN FLIGHT
Add action to your architectural photographs with our standard bird soaring in front of any edifice.
Standard Bird $17.00
ZEN VII NEW IMPROVED BIRD
Actual photo of real bird in flight. Adds realism of true scale
Real Bird .$35.00
Zen VII
As you can guess from looking over the catalogue, this is a satire inspired by a course in photography. The satire is directed not at the course itself but at an imaginary student who learned very little from the course, and what he did learn he got exactly wrong. Names have been omitted to protect the innocent.
Lead picture:
This has a number of errors. The worst thing is there is nothing in the middle. You are going down a tunnel. It is like a near death experience. The next worst thing is the extreme contrast; a good photograph conveys information with subtle changes in shade of gray. The model is holding the camera by a strap. This is easy on the model but hard on the camera. The tree behind the model appears as if growing out of her head. Two Moons might happen, but the light on them is not consistent.
Permanent tripod holes:
There is something about going to places where great photographs have been taken and trying to reproduce them. Its called "looking for tripod holes"
15 toed tripod:
The photographer is supposed to be sensitive, not his equipment.
Planet Stopper:
There are days you wish you had one!
Correct and incorrect lenses:
Don't forget that this was written in 1984.
Fun Camera:
Computers have not changed the fact that Japanese gadgets are impressive.
Enlightenment Meter:
Guess what MY reading was?
Galloping Horses:
Well if you had to, it would be classier to drive real horses across your scene than double expose your print.
2 headed cow:
if you are photographing cows in a pasture, you can wait a few minutes for them to separate. Otherwise it will look as if you do have a 2 headed cow.
Forbidden Shirt:
It is not considered sensitive to photograph a model in a shirt with any of these defects
Model Offender:
Intensity is good. We LIKE intensity.
Gallery Pad:
Actually, it is a pity the artist has such little control over a picture's environment.
Fossil:
Every photograph raises such questions.
Can Masher:
Did you guess we were studying in Vermont?
Crow's Feet Pencil:
This was before the Bridges of Madison County.
Mink Strap:
NOBODY ever said it would be CHEAP!
War Monger Kit:
Yes, I know the cold war is over. You didnt think we'd forgotten the war of Northern Aggression DID YOU?
Bumper Sticker:
Yes, I actually had one once.
Child's Doll:
There is a whole artistic tradition called "Memento Mori". It is supposed to remind you you are going to die. Who needs that? It started with crucifixes and martyrs. In the Middle Ages they invented the Grim Reaper. In the renaissance they would just stick a skull in the picture. A subtle form was a picture of someone's personal treasures heaped on a table by an uncaring hand. We dont do subtle much these days.
Gray Tinted Glasses:
A sign of the times
Framing Tree:
Ordinarily your own eyebrows frame what you see. Some photographers will echo this by darkening the sky during printing. The same effect can occur naturally if you catch the light just before a coming storm. Using the tree accomplishes the same thing but clutters the picture.
Fake Moon:
A sharp observer will notice that the sun on the landscape is probably not from the same direction as the sun on the moon.
Standard Bird:
For obvious reasons most photographs will show the bird blurred.
Improved Bird:
Of course you could always go over to the dark side and sell it as a picture of a flying saucer.